I wish I could've more time

I wanted to start working on my annual year end review blog post but there are so many things in my to-do list. How I wish I could've more time so I could at least take a good rest and breathe. I'm so afraid that I'll indulge into drama hence I didn't dare to start watching any drama. I'm still trying my best to exercise consistently and control my diet so I could reduce my weight before CNY.

Gosh, it's just so difficult to strike a balance between everything. And I've just finished the second week of the semester.

Alamak.

Give and take

We can't be greedy and want everything. Problem is, what to give? What to take?

Will I regret?

It's all about love.

Humans are the strangest species ever, especially when it involves relationship. When we want to confess about something, we tend to over cautious about our choice of words but ultimately fail to convey our feelings precisely. However, when we need to make a concession, we tend to place a stronger emphasis on our dignity to prevent us from being the "loser" in the relationship, but ridiculously things would not end up the way we wish to see.

If we are alone, we could be just ourselves without caring much about other's feelings. On the other hand, if we are in a relationship with someone that we might care more than ourselves, we need to listen completely, communicate softly and understand and respect his/her feelings to maintain a long-term healthy and meaningful relationship. This is absolutely not easy and not everyone is aware of this. Unfortunately, we only know it after getting hurt or hurting someone we care.

Love is about finding someone who worth your time and energy and appreciate the real "you". The imperfect but trying to be better "you". Even you might think you look fat, in his eyes, you look perfect, probably just happen to be surrounded by fats. The fats are the thick wrappers of his/her precious present.

You are the present.

I wonder how lucky must someone be to meet the "one" in their life and grow old together. There might be people who are more brilliant, wealthier, better looking and more talented than him/her. But the one is irreplaceable. The one that you could laugh crazily at stupid things, complain badly about your boss or cry without feeling embarrassed.

And most importantly, you could love unconditionally.

Do you?

Yeah.

I do.

I shall sleep

I finally back to gym after two months. I'm not sure whether is it because of exercising, I have been feeling fulfilled throughout the whole day, despite only had roti canai as simple dinner. Oh ya let's not forgot the stink tofu, my supper! Been immersing myself in good music and enjoying long lost me-time, while doing my ICMS work. I just couldn't stand pending tasks.

How I wish the night could be longer.

Reading

I loved reading. I used to be the good student who borrowed books (other than reference books) from the library. When I was a primary school kid, "going to the library" was scheduled as one of our lessons in our timetable. We were given the opportunity to visit the library for 30 minutes weekly. The intention of school authority was to encourage students to read more. The teachers would "forced" us to lend one book, different language for each week. Malay and English books were definitely not my first choice as I prefer to read Chinese.

I always want to read more than one book per week, so I would visit the library other than the stipulated time in our timetable. However, my presence was not welcomed by the librarian. She refused to entertain me after my school hours, and if I want to lend books during my rest time, I need to do it before any class enter into the library (my rest time clashes with other classes' timetable to go to the library). Hence, I need to run to the library immediately after the school bell rang. I remembered running with Chai twin brothers, who are book lovers too, from the forth floor where our classroom were located to the tallest floor of another building. We had to pick the books from the shelf and complete the borrowing procedure as quick as possible.

After reading, we had to write the details and summary of the books we had read in our NILAM book. NILAM is a program that aims to inculcate reading habit among students, but the implementation had failed to achieve the objective. Most of the NILAM records I had written were made up with intention to submit my "homework". The implementation was even worse during my high school time. Students were forced to spent their Tuesday and Thursday morning to read an article provided by library. I was the "Wakil NILAM" who distributed the article, "monitoring" the students to ensure they read, although I couldn't recall any content that I have ever read.

Apart from borrowing books from school library, my dad used to bring me to a public library located nearby Petaling Street. Going to the library was something that I looked forward excitedly during weekends, unfortunately dad didn't bring me there every week due to his busy schedule. After I graduated from secondary school, I become busier and often missed the opportunity to go to the library with my dad. After some time, my dad had decided to stop paying for our membership.

I guess that's the point that I have stopped reading. After studying A Level at Sunway College, I spent most of my time on studying, hanging out with friends and smartphone. If I spend the time that I have wasted on scrolling through meaningless social media to read, I could've read many books that might expand my mind. Another reason I stopped reading was most of the books I found in Sunway library were English books. I find it very challenging to read English books due to my poor English and difference in styles of writing and culture.

Things got worse when I was studying my Degree. I became more active in joining extracurricular activities and socializing. To maintain my CGPA and spend more time with my loved ones, I rarely watch my favorite movies or dramas, yet alone spend time to read something other than my ACCA reference books. Spending too much time on studying during year one was definitely the most regrettable thing that I have done during my university days.

It's never too late to start again. "Now" is always right time to get back to reading. "No time to read" is merely an excuse, just like "no time to exercise" is a lie. It's never easy to balance my time wisely, but I think I am on my way.

Expectation Gap

Started my first day of final semester today. Was definitely a day well spent with my classmates. Would be better if Mun Sin can join us sing k, but at least she came and joined us for buffet dinner for the very first time! Teehee.

First class was Advanced Audit and Assurance. Was questioning myself why I choose this elective paper as I can foresee it'll be a very difficult one, maybe will lower my CGPA cries. My lecturer talked about the expectation gap between the real work of auditor and the public's expectation towards auditor, which is one of the challenges faced by auditors nowadays.

Expectation gap. This term reminds me of my conversation with Ivy last night. This girl is leaving to Singapore to start her new chapter very soon. We met up and talked about random things, including our relationship with others.

Our conclusion is, once one party has expectation towards another party in a relationship, one will get disappointed easily when the other party do or doesn't do anything. Question is, does the other party has an obligation to do that? Are we setting our expectation too high and being unfair to another party who doesn't think the same but also care about the relationship as much as you?

How do we judge whether someone cares or not?

They always say, you'll know it because you'll feel it. It's not about their words or action, but deep inside our heart we will feel it.

Can I? Do I?

Been so uncertain about this. About my feelings. About my relationship with everyone around me. Even if I know people will lie, I still feel more assured if other says or promised something, but I'll be judgmental immediately.

Guess I'm just over thinking again.

It'll be much better if we don't set any expectation at all. I always find my internship experience quite ok because I'm prepared for shit and ended up the shit wasn't that much? I tried to have zero expectation when I entered into relationship with my bf, even deep inside I sincerely hope our relationship will last until we died.

We always hope to get good things and people, but yet we are so afraid to lose it. So, we lower our expectation to protect ourselves and to close the expectation gap. This would also prevent us from exerting too much pressure to another party who is not ready to give that much into a relationship or have a different personality from us.

In the end, we just hope to be loved and recognized. Easy to say but I really doubt will I be this lucky.

Team Stressed

My November plan was supposed to be concentrating on preparing for my ACCA external examinations. I tried to avoid taking much responsibilities, skipping events, turned down few invitations from my friends to meet up.

However, things don't go as planned. My efficiency and concentration on studies never been so worse. I'm constantly under stress of not sticking to my study plan, feel sorry for rejecting my friends and guilty of feeding myself too well without regular workout  (I have gained weight!). It's a vicious cycle and I couldn't stop blaming myself at the end of everyday, although I have enjoyed the day.

There's one day I was stressed out again, then my team received an encrypted email from P&G. We had conflicted feelings towards this good news. Of course we were excited to get into final round, but it means we had to prepare for it. The timing of final round was bad as we were having our peak period and I had one ACCA paper one day after the competition. But it didn't take me too much time to decide that I want to do this. This competition isn't similar with the other competitions that I have participated before, which is very interesting and challenging.

But as usual, life catch us off guard! I nearly fainted when I saw the names of finalists. I am very happy that my friends made into final round too, but the fact that four out of eight teams are from my organisation means it's gonna be very competitive and only one team could made into the international round. We felt more stressed when we were given the 20 pages case study question and they informed us that our deadline was three days earlier than expected.

And there's no cash prize! Sorry for being money minded but cash prize would be a great motivation for me HAHA. But I would say the experience (let's don't talk about free food and free gift) was extremely invaluable.

Door gift

Our discussion didn't go well and it's super difficult to schedule our discussion due to our busy schedule. Although one of our teammates is my housemate but we still do hangout call LOL. The Google Hangout session would always be the best moment and I felt our bond had strengthened after going through the hardship together. We named ourselves "team stressed" because we are just too stressed out about life.

Exhausted Vyleen who relies on coffee to barely survive 

I always prefer to work alone because I don't need to accommodate with other's schedule and discussion might end up with no conclusion. Especially when working with friends, I'm very worried of ruining our relationship. But it turned out that teamwork is the key of our success. Our diversity in academics background, working style, personality and experience had encouraged us to consider from different perspectives, which led to holistic decision making.

We couldn't believe it when they announced Team 4 is the first runner up. We even doubted that whether they announced it wrongly and whether our team is Team 4. I'm not sure whether it's another achievement that I should be proud of, but I definitely would cherish the moments we spent together and appreciate all the support and guidance provided by others.

The lighting at P&G is superb!

With the friendly HR

The video of our competition is finally out and surprisingly our team got lots of screen time. The video is so good and brings back memories. Shout out to the friendly photographer who did a great job. Here's the link to video: https://m.facebook.com/watch/?v=460240828208612&_rdr

And my creative bf has edited the screenshot from the video, which explains our relationship precisely.

The photographer is skilled at capturing the real moments

P.S.
Big thanks to my bf a.k.a. our driver and my ultimate supporter. I like your laptop very much leh can give me ah? Since you have given me your heart, no difference kan?

Finally we got a decent picture, but why I got double chin while my bf looks slim? Walau photographer Vyleen you hate me secretly is it 

Thanks to Jia Qi who dragged us into this too.

We have wasted so much time on each other 

Year 3 Sem 2

Short semester is supposed to be a chill and easy-to score semester, but ended up reality proves me wrong (insert "crying" whatsapp sticker here). It was a pretty hectic due to recruitment but unproductive semester. I wasn't very satisfied with my performance, stress management and time management. Could've practiced a healthier and more disciplined lifestyle, but I chose to be lazy and always. Guess my body is telling me to take a break and rest? How I wish I could've a longer break to rest.  Problem with short sem is, I didn't even understand what I was taught, then the sem ended! Another hell sem is waiting ahead for me. Trying my best to not die.

Personal Financial Planning (PFP)
This elective subject caught my eye immediately when I was researching on my course structure. Being financially free is everyone's goal, whether or not one is aware of it. The syllabus covers a wide range of areas which provide a great insight into financial planning and the knowledge we've gained is probably more useful than what we learnt from our ACCA textbooks. Most importantly, it has raised our awareness on the importance of managing our finance properly, which I believe many people have failed to do so due to lack of relevant information.

My lecturer is a good story teller who has shared many real life cases of her cousins (you couldn't tell how big her family is) and her experience as an insurance agent. But I didn't score A for her subject! It was definitely a huge waste of chance to improve my CGPA! This subject is comparatively easier than my core subjects but I couldn't score it! This is the main reason that made me mad at myself, luckily it doesn't affect my CGPA that much.

After self reflection, I realize I didn't handle my stress properly during my exam period. I was over worried about my ACCA external examinations but I didn't take action immediately to buck up, instead I escaped from reality by sleeping or just procrastinating. I couldn't concentrate during studying too as I was worrying about my team's preparation for P&G CEO Challenge (again over worried). The root cause is my tendency to over worried and failure to address it immediately. Have to be more alert on this so that my performance won't be affected adversely :(

Anyway, A- is not that bad, and I've gained more than that during my exam period. I would write more about that in my next post.


Contemporary Malaysian Issues (CMI)
This is a MPU subject which I have totally no idea what had happened during the whole semester. I attended two hours class on Monday morning for seven consecutive weeks, wrote and presented an "interesting" fake life experience, copied and pasted other's opinions in Google Classroom. Then I scored the highest in class. Wow.

I was looking forward to the debate session on current issues, but the subject structure is rather disappointing. Instead of giving us a chance to exchange ideas in class, we are required to post our opinions at Google Classroom when we are physically sitting in the classroom. There isn't any room that encouraged us to think critically on current issues, yet we are neither asked to present our opinion nor our tutor coached us on how to evaluate an issue critically.

In our era, critical and independent thinking are significant because we receive tons of information from internet daily but we fail to process or interpret them. People speak without thinking, support their belief without reasonable justification, spout about one's opinion. It's pretty hard to meet someone who think. Even I myself am lazy at times.

In conclusion, this semester should be a chill and easy one but I screwed up! Gotta learn from mistakes and move on to my final semester, the final chapter in my university life.

12.12

第一次男友接我的机
真的应该拍张照片

"第一次接我最爱的人的机"

为啥我没有我男友的浪漫细胞呢

讽刺

看到谢和弦被捕的消息，在想怎么这个人的名字那么熟悉，原来就是那首很红的«谢谢你爱我»的主唱!

好吧，我朋友在唱歌时点过这首歌，但我好像没有很认真地听过这首歌。（不是马后炮）

后来又看到朋友在面子书转发他2017年的一篇文章，天啊，我竟然点赞过! 立马取消赞。哈哈哈。不好意思我有轻微的情感洁癖。吸大麻不是我不喜欢他的原因，主要是觉得他身为一个公众人物在自己的国家犯法被捕后，表现出对法律制度和媒体鄙视的态度。你可以支持大麻合法化，但不代表你可以背叛老婆，和做出违法的行为。

追求自由，不代表藐视法律。

只能说好好活着还真的不乏惊人的新闻呢! 你曾一度以为美好的事情，在N年后被啪啪打脸! 所以我常说，华丽浮夸的词藻，不如踏实生活来得更真实。（仿佛提早衰老?）

不过我相信他当年写这首歌和这个文章时，心里的确是很爱他老婆的。这次吸大麻事件也是他老婆举报的，相信他老婆也很希望他回头是岸吧。每个人都有犯错的时候，希望N年后我再次被打脸，看到他改过自新和老婆过上好的生活的新闻吧!

愿上天保佑每个真心对待他人的人!

P.S.
最近写很多是为了凑数，不要怀疑。

地狱空荡荡，恶魔在人间。

"看电影了没"是我最喜欢的YouTube channel，所讲解的电影都是少为人知和极有丰富的教育性或深度的。很喜欢K猫和小鸣的媳妇的声音，听着好像生活的苦痛都不见了。

看电影解说和看电影一样，最害怕的是看到"真实事件改编"。选择看电影解说是不想承受剧情，台词和演员所带来的情绪，而且倘若解说员的稿有素质，会带来另一番不同的领悟。

前方高能: 心情欠佳不要看

然而今天更新的影片是我看到最沉重的。看影片当儿我萌生了多次想停止观看的念头，人行之恶令我心如铅重，久久不能平息，尤其最后犯罪者一脸无辜（她还去教会呢!），真心让我觉得到底为何上帝会允许这样的人存活于世上。更让我担心的是，她的七个孩子会被怎样影响呢?他们是否尚在人间，延续她的恶行?

不寒而栗。

这也是为什么我从不知从哪年开始，生日愿望就是世界上的恶少一些。

看来没实现呢。

Jia Qi asked me to update my blog

My professional paper is less than 24 hours and my study progress is still way behind my plan. BUT. Instead of concentrating, I am consistently distracted by Instagram stories and thinking about my career options in future. OF ALL THE THINGS I NEED TO DO. Yeah.

Guess my bf is gonna mad at me if he knows I have wasted most of my time overthinking again.

BYE.

I need to hit my KPI!

You might find me posting more frequently lately (maybe nobody notice), because I just realize the number of my blog posts for this year is horribly less as compared to last few years! Not even half of them OMG. Become lazier ah me.

Spent more time socialing with people and less me-time? Didn't get a chance to enjoy a break.

The 2 Mr Lais in my life

Used to complain about my TAR UC lecturers a lot. Their english, their pattern, their attitude. It's very difficult to find a lecturer who truly understand the meaning of an educator. Maybe some of them knew, but the pressure and administrative work had turned them into who they are right now.

Justification to TAR UC, I feel problematic lectures exist in all universities. My experience at Sunway wasn't that good too, thanks to Visha, the legend lecturer who always disappeared after her toilet break. Luckily I met Ms Cherilyn or else I highly likely will fail my Econs.

Fun fact: the best and worst lecturers in my life are A Levels Econs lecturers.

I was surprised that I still managed to meet some good lecturers before I graduate. Sorry la I literally lost hope in my university and the entire education system. The first Mr Lai is my SBR lecturer, who apparently the only Accounting lecturer that knows how to explain accounting standards in a layman term. Besides that, he really KNOWS how to capture a girl's heart. I wonder whether his wife knows HAHA. There's an unofficial fan club of his, and I believe all of them are girls! Besides good at joking and teaching, he cares about his students sincerely, which someone who skipped his lectures frequently (yes it's me) could even feel it. But yeah I don't know why he mixed up Yung Yie and Pinky (insider joke of 3RPA1 only).

Meeting the second Mr Lai is totally unexpected. Our management has some changes recently and two Associate Deans are appointed. I had a very hard time dealing with one of them, who is a woman (I hope this explains why, not trying to discriminate). The end results of my discussion with her was I might couldn't claim for my travel reimbursement (So done with their inefficiency) and forced to attend a prize giving ceremony. I really hate ceremony. Wasting my time. And I missed Induction Day! Urgh. Even Judy was like "wow so they made you come".

Luckily I met Mr Lai. At first I just want to tumpang his car so I don't need to grab to the prize giving ceremony (I giapsiap sorry). And I was shocked when this new Associate Dean drove a Mercedes. Woah. What impress me the most is our conversation. Finally I meet a lecturer who has commercial working experience, knows the reason he chose to join the education industry and has clear intention to improve the system. I think another factor that differentiates him from others is his education background, as he was an undergraduate from UK. He was from another department, that's why I never meet him before. I could imagine how unwilling other lecturers to take over the position of Associate Dean. This prompts me to initiate conversation with him, although my initial intention was to fight for my budget for travel reimbursement HAHA.

That's how we started our.... friendship? I don't know how to classify our relationship thou. He isn't my subject lecturer but he teaches me beyond that. Shared with me his working experience and some useful tips to survive in the workplace. Feel so touched when he remember I have a competition tomorrow and sent me a message.

And he reminded me some mistakes I made, which I truly appreciate! I feel he kinda revoke my love towards education, which I have chosen to give up as I lost faith in our education system. Yeah and I need more money to survive. Accounting is a good choice, I don't regret it, but just I'm currently in a dilemma that I don't know which field to begin my career (another story sorry guys I'm always off topic).

So this guy, Mr Lai, who I just knew in less than one month, has somehow reminded me what I could do for our Malaysia education system. The idea is very crazy, but if someone don't do it, nobody will. I'm not courageous to give up on what I have today, but I could do it when I'm financially stable. Who knows?

Again, it's appreciation time! Regardless of all the shits I've went through, thanks God (if there's one) who allows me to meet these kind people.

Will the judges tomorrow kind enough to let our team win?

Alright I am over thinking again. Time to get my ass move and stop procrastinating.

P.S.
If God really exist, could you please grant my wish to pass my ACCA papers? Ok sorry if you really exist please ignore me I shall study now I'm sorry to waste your time HAHA.

Who are my close friends?

Just some add up from the previous post about social media influence. I didn't create any close friend list at Instagram yet.

How should I define close? Who should I put in my list? 

Sometimes I (I believe not only me) find it very surprising to appear in someone's close friend list! I know I should feel honoured, but it's like... "Wow we close? For real?" I don't know whether is it me being too pessimistic towards how others position me, or I instinctively refuse to be close with them? 

P.S.

Surprisingly (er I don't know why I find this surprising), my boyfriend, my other half, is my top one close friend. :3 Not an easy task mate, I hope you survive.